An Open Letter to Madison Avenue RE: Other People’s Colons

Dear Madison Avenue advertising companies,

I know this is bound to come as a surprise to you, but I really don’t care about the health or condition of other people’s colons. I know, I know…it used to be that you’d show me something and I’d run right out and buy the product, especially if you go some sort of washed up actor or actress to play the part of the knowledgeable sales rep who just so happens to talk to ordinary people, but those days are gone now. I’ve grown up. It takes something sophisticated to get my attention. No, no, not an animated insect with a well known actor’s voice; I’m on to you on that one too. Oh, pretending like I’m overhearing a conversation between intimate friends? Yep, seen it. Still haven’t bought your product. Don’t plan to.

It’s not that I don’t love my own colon, mind you; I’ve really grown quite fond of it over the last thirty or so years. It’s just that I don’t feel like watching random actresses running up to other random actresses and saying crap like, “Hey, you’re the colon lady, right?” Seriously? I can’t imagine why our culture is going down the toilet sometimes. Who had the brain fart and said, “You know, we should hire that actress who’s best known for being in slasher flicks three decades ago. She did phone commercials; surely she’s earned America’s trust enough to tell us about our colons!”

Okay, let’s just flush it all out of our system while we’re here. I don’t want to hear anything more about erectile dysfunction, colon health, weak stream, irritable bladder, burning stomach, mucus-filled lungs, or anything of the like from anyone who used to be at some point in their life a television, movie, radio, 8-track, silent film, propaganda film, or comic strip star. If I need to know about any of those things, I’ll ask someone who spent a few years studying, oh, I don’t know, the human body and how chemicals interact with it. Call me crazy (and you wouldn’t be the first), but I think I’ve seen enough of your idea of intelligence to know better. Eat your special yogurt for two weeks and I’ll see an improvement? Folks, I could eat the actual money I’d be spending on your special diet and see some improvement in way less time than that.

In conclusion, Madison Avenue, I suggest you take the money you’re spending on washed up actresses and start spending it on doctor notepads or novelty ball point pens with your drug name on it. Odds are they’ll last longer than your commercials…or my attention span.

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